作者: system

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What should parents do if their children are being teased and bullied?

 

What should parents do if their children are being teased and bullied?

Source: Psychologist, Lee Wai Tong

Currently, schools have fully resumed classes, and children have more time to spend with their classmates. Sometimes, children may be teased or bullied at school. When they don’t know how to express these emotions, they may react with aggressive behavior, which may be misunderstood by teachers.

For example, in a class of children playing together, one child may be teased for not performing well. At this moment, the child may not know how to handle the feeling of being teased or bullied, so when given the opportunity, the child may push or kick things, or even lie on the ground and scream. When the teacher arrives and sees this scene, they may naturally think that the problem lies with the child and may scold or lecture them. However, the teacher may not have noticed what happened before the incident.

When facing bullying or teasing, children often don’t know how to ease their feelings, which becomes a headache for many parents. In fact, when children are bullied or teased in daily life, they usually seek comfort from their parents first. If parents can comfort their children appropriately, such as if the child says to their mother, “Mom, they are making fun of me,” and the mother can comfort the child by patting them and saying, “Yes, sometimes some kids do that; it’s okay.” At this moment, it is a critical time, and the child will internalize this comforting feeling.

When the child returns to school and is teased again, because they received comfort from their parents before, they can comfort themselves or even ignore others’ teasing and continue playing or doing their own thing. This reduces the possibility of unnecessary misunderstandings by the teacher, who may think the child is misbehaving, pushing others, kicking things, or screaming. Of course, on the other hand, if the teacher can timely ask the child about the cause and effect of the incident, it is also a good method to let the child express their grievances and calm their emotions.

小朋友被取笑被欺負，家長要如何處理？

system

 

小朋友被取笑被欺負，家長要如何處理？

資料來源：心理治療師李偉堂

現在全面復課，小朋友有更多時間與同學相處。 有時候在學校裡小朋友可能會被取笑或被欺負，當他不懂抒發這種情緒，可能會作出一些反擊行為，更可能會引來老師誤會。

例如一班小朋友在玩，其中有小朋友因做得不好而被取笑。就在這一刻，這個小朋友可能不知道怎樣承擔這種被人取笑或欺負的感覺，於是當有機會孩子會推他們或會踢東西，甚至會躺在地上大叫。就在這時候老師來到的時候，見到這樣的場面，很自然就會覺得問題在這個小朋友身上，便會教導他，跟他訓話。但事前發生的事，老師卻未必留意得到。

小朋友在面對被欺負或被取笑的情況下，他不懂得如何舒緩這刻的心情，也成為了很多家長一個頭痛的問題。其實很多時小朋友在生活中被欺負或被取笑，通常第一時間都都會找父母安慰。如果這時父母能適當地安慰他，例如他被人欺負，他會跟媽媽說：「媽媽，他們取笑我。」如果媽媽能在這刻安慰孩子的心情，例如拍拍他，跟他說：「是呀，有時候有些小朋友是會這樣，不要緊的。」其實這刻是一個關鍵的時候，孩子會將這一種安慰的感覺，內化在內心中。

而當小朋友回到學校再被人取笑時，由於之前得到父母的安慰，於是他在這刻就算被人取笑，但也能安慰自己或者甚至不理會別人的取笑，繼續玩或做自己的事。於是少了很多不必要被老師的誤會，以為他在搗蛋、推人、踢別人的東西或大叫。當然另一方面，如果老師能夠適時問小朋友整件事的前因後果，其實也是一個很好的方法，讓小朋友將內心的怨氣舒發出來，令他們心情平靜一些。

Can mindfulness also help stabilize children’s emotions?

 

Can mindfulness also help stabilize children’s emotions?

Registered clinical psychologist, Dr. Felicia Lee

Recently, many people have been learning mindfulness to manage their emotions and think more clearly. However, mindfulness can also help us stabilize children’s emotions. Mindfulness, also known as “jing-nim” in Chinese, is a concept that combines Eastern philosophy and Western science. Mindfulness is about consciously and non-judgmentally focusing our attention on the present moment. We are aware of where our focus is at this moment, and we do not think about whether something is right or wrong. We just observe and describe. So how can we use mindfulness to help stabilize children’s emotions?

The most important thing is to stop first. This requires us to practice regularly, and through mindfulness practice, we will know what methods can be used to effectively stop ourselves or our children. Because sometimes children will stop when they hear their mother shout, but what can be done to stop them when their mothers are not around or when no one is around to advise them? This is an important thing we can practice with mindfulness.

The second step is observation. What kind of mindset should we use to observe? We should observe with a non-judgmental mindset. When a child has emotions, we usually see their emotional outburst, and sometimes we have thoughts or critical words in our minds. If we describe this thought with a non-judgmental mindset and also feel our own emotions, we can see the child’s real needs through their behavior.

The third step is to use language to describe your current feelings or what is happening at the moment because when you use words, it will calm down the center of your emotions.

I remember one time when two brothers were arguing, and one of them stretched out his foot, which began to provoke the other, who then slowly became angry. They would kick each other, at first lightly and then with more force. Actually, when you see this kind of situation, you will feel very angry.

First, do not stop them, because when you stop them, you are characterizing one person as wrong, and after you characterize them, one of them may become even angrier. The worst thing is that they may both become angry together and say, “We’re just playing; why are you taking it so seriously?” So calm yourself down first, and then ask them casually, “What’s happening now?” Sometimes they may answer you, which is already good. If they cannot answer and are still angry, you can separate them, which is also okay.

NTACG Yuen Long Branch hosted 2024 Parent-child Coloring Competition Theme: “My Home”

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新界神召會元朗堂主辦2024親子填色創作比賽-主題:《我的家》

靜觀也有助穩定小朋友情緒？

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靜觀也有助穩定小朋友情緒？

資料來源：註冊臨床心理學家李坤璇博士（PsyD)

近來，不少人都學習靜觀管理情緒，清晰思維，但原來靜觀也能協助我們穩定小朋友的情緒。靜觀又名正念，是揉合了東方哲學和西方科學的一個概念。靜觀其實是指有意識不加批判地將我們的專注力放在此時此刻。我們知道這一刻那個焦點是放在哪裡，我們不會去思考那件事的對與錯，我們只是做觀察和描述。但我們可以如何藉著靜觀穩定小朋友的情緒呢？

最很重要的一環是先停下來，這是需要我們恆常地練習，而透過靜觀的練習，我們會知道用甚麼方法可以令自己或小朋友能很有效地停下來。因為很多時小朋友會聽到媽媽大叫，他就會停下來。但當媽媽不在身邊的時候或沒有人在他身邊提點他的時候，究竟他可以用甚麼方法停下來？這個就是靜觀時我們能練習到的一個很重要的事情。

第二步就是觀察，我們要用一個怎樣的心態去觀察呢？就是用一個不加批判的心態去觀察。當小朋友有情緒時，我們通常會看到他情緒爆發，然後我們有時候心中會有一些思想或批判性的說話會說出來。如果我們用一個不批判的心態去描述這一個想法，然後我們也感受一下自己的感受，我們才可以透過小朋友的行為看到他的真正需要。

第三步就是用語言描述你當下的感覺或現在當下發生的事情，因為當你使用言語的時候，就會令你的情緒中心點平靜下來。

很記得有一次是兩兄弟吵架，後來其中一個伸了腳，開始惹怒另一個，然後就開始慢慢生氣。他們會踢對方，起初是輕力踢，後來就大力地踢回去。其實當你看到這種情形時，你會覺得很生氣。

首先不要喝止，因為當你喝止時就定性了某個人不對，你定性了之後其中一個會更加生氣，最惡劣就可能是兩個一起生氣，然後會說：「其實我們只是玩玩而已，你這麼認真幹甚麼呢？」所以自己先冷靜下來，再輕描淡寫地問他們：「現在發生甚麼事了？」他們有時可能回答你，這已經是不錯了。如果回答不到，他還在生氣時，你就幫他們分開，也未嘗不可的。

 

What should I do when confronted with dishonesty in children？

What should I do when confronted with dishonesty in children？

Written by: Family Dynamics Psychological Counselor, Lai Shun Mei

Every time a child does homework, he or she falsely claims to have a stomachache, to go to the bathroom, or to go to sleep. Thousands of lies and excuses. Parents who value character development are naturally outraged because they have zero tolerance for dishonesty in their children. But why do children always avoid doing their homework? Why do they have to lie to cover it up?

Often, children avoid doing homework not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t. Children want to be good and smart, but when they find out they can’t do their homework, they think they are not smart enough. They can’t accept this and will lie to cover it up and avoid it. Generally speaking, children with normal intelligence but learning disabilities will have their academic performance affected to some degree, but they can excel in other areas as well. And regardless of their intelligence level, as long as they use the right approach, coupled with the right amount of training, they can also build the corresponding ability.

But why do people lie? When a person feels that he or she is in an uncomfortable situation, he or she will activate the defense mechanism to protect himself or herself. Lying is one of the ways to cope with a crisis by avoiding it. If parents want to help their children, they should allow them to tell the truth so that they can understand what their children really don’t understand.

How do you instill in children the courage to speak the truth? You have to let your child know that even if he is not smart enough, you will still love him so much, take him as your joy, be patient with him, and find ways to help him solve his problems together, thus building up his sense of security and making him feel at ease to reveal his inner uncertainties and difficulties. On the contrary, if his experience makes him think that he is not smart enough, which will lead to his mother’s anger and complaints, he will not dare to tell the truth and even activate his self-protection mechanism to protect himself with lies that adults can uncover at first glance.

At this point, the child will not only fail to protect himself but will also get into more trouble because the mother will be rehabilitated and will take the initiative to admit her mistake and promise not to lie again. But in fact, his homework difficulties are not resolved, creating a vicious cycle. Therefore, we encourage parents to learn to accept their children’s shortcomings so that they will have confidence in you and feel safe to open up to you.

面對小朋友不誠實的行為時該怎麼處理？

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面對小朋友不誠實的行為時該怎麼處理？

資料來源：家庭動力心理輔導員賴舜薇

小朋友每次做功課，都訛稱自己肚痛、要上洗手間或想睡覺，千萬種謊言與藉口。重視品格培養的家長自然會感到嬲怒，因為他們對子女不誠實的行為都是零容忍的。但為甚麼孩子總是逃避做功課？為甚麼他們又要以謊言去掩飾呢？

小朋友逃避做功課，很多時不是他們不願意做，而是做不到。小朋友都會希望自己又乖巧又聰明，但當他們發現自己做不到功課，便會認為自己不夠聰明。他無法接受，便會以說謊來掩飾和逃避。一般而言，智力正常但有學習障礙的小朋友，他們的學業表現都會受到一定程度的影響，但在其他方面，他們一樣可以表現出色。而且不論他們智力水平高低，只要使用對的方法，加上適量訓練，他們亦能建立相應能力。

但人為甚麼會說謊呢？當一個人覺得自己處於不安的環境時，便會啟動防衛機制保護自己。而說謊便是其中一種以逃避方式來應對危機的表現。如果家長希望幫到子女，便要讓他勇於說真話，這樣家長才能理解子女真正不明白的地方。

如何令子女勇於說真說話？你要讓子女知道，即使他不夠聰明，你依然會這麼愛她，以他為喜樂，對他有耐性，並且會一起想辦法協助他解決困難，從而建立他的安全感，讓他安心透露內心的不明白與困難。但相反，若其經驗令他認為因他不夠聰明，會引來媽媽對他發脾氣及埋怨，他便不敢說真話，甚至啟動自我保護機制，用大人一看便能拆穿的謊言保護自己。

這時候孩子不但無法保護自己，更會惹來更大的麻煩，因為媽媽會更生氣，便會主動認錯，又會承諾不再說謊。惟事實上，他功課的困難並未解決，形成造成惡性循環。因此，我們鼓勵家長學習接納子女的不足，令子女對你有信心，覺得安全，自然對你敞開心扉。

“Does learning mindfulness help in rediscovering the strengths of children?”

“Does learning mindfulness help in rediscovering the strengths of children?”

Source: Registered Clinical Psychologist, Yiu Fong Lee

Parents often encounter various behavioral problems with their children, which can be very troubling. For example, they ask their child to do homework, but the child doesn’t do it; they ask the child to eat, but the child sits there playing instead. When children display many uncooperative behaviors, parents become very angry and may use blaming or punishing methods to deal with them. In times of great distress, children become even more uncooperative because they feel their parents are annoying and only have negative evaluations, causing their behavior to become increasingly uncooperative and disobedient. In the practice of mindfulness, parents can learn to carefully observe what is happening at the moment without any criticism, and then try to connect with their child wholeheartedly and notice any good qualities.

In the mindfulness parenting group, we encourage parents to use their five senses, including sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell, to experience mindfulness while eating. For example, taking a piece of raisin and putting it in your mouth, feeling its texture at that moment, and noticing any changes. Through our careful observation, we will discover that raisins are actually very sweet, and they will slowly melt in our mouths.

We can apply this mindset to our interactions with children in daily life, meaning that in addition to their uncooperative behavior, tantrums, or emotional outbursts, we should observe them carefully to see if there are any other things that other parents might not notice. In the mindful parenting group, one mother shared that besides being angry when her son didn’t listen to her, she also noticed that he was willing to help her carry heavy objects or food at times, showing that he cared for her.

Some mothers even mentioned that their sons may be sensitive to certain sounds, but during the New Year’s vegetable-grabbing game, they would try their best to grab the vegetables and bring them back to their mothers because they wanted them to be healthy and safe. The mothers felt that their children loved them very much, so they paid more attention to the good things their children did or the times when they cooperated. For example, if a child refused to do homework ten times but then was willing to do it or quietly read once, the mother would appreciate and tell the child, “You were very focused today, and I appreciate that.” Over time, the child will realize that he or she can do well, and the mother won’t be so annoying or only focus on the bad things the child does. Instead, the mother will focus on the good things the child does, and the child’s behavior will gradually get better.

In clinical practice, we often see that in parent-child interaction, when parents can sense the subtle aspects of daily life, such as what their children are willing to give, cherish, or when they exhibit good behavior, it can greatly help improve the interaction and relationship between the two. Additionally, when children feel positive about themselves, their confidence will also improve.

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學習靜觀有助重新認識孩子優點？

學習靜觀有助重新認識孩子優點？

資料來源：註冊臨床心理學家饒方莉

家長們平時遇到小朋友各種不同的行為問題，都感到很困擾。例如叫他做功課，他又不做；叫他吃飯，他又坐在那裡玩。當小朋友出現很多不合作的時間時，家長就很生氣，可能用一些責備的方式或懲罰的方式去對待小朋友。在很困擾的時候，小朋友也更加不合作，因為他覺得父母很煩，只有一些負面的評價，他的行為就變得日益不合作與不聽話。在靜觀的練習裡，可以幫助父母學習細心地留意此時此刻發生的事，不帶任何的批判感受一下，然後試試用心地跟孩子連繫，留意有沒有一些好的特點。

在靜觀教養的小組裡，我們讓家長們透過靜觀進食，透過五官包括視覺、聽覺、味覺、觸覺和嗅覺去感受。例如一粒提子乾，這一刻放進嘴巴裡，感受一下它的質感是怎樣的？它有甚麼變化呢？原來經我們細心的觀察，就會發現原來提子乾是這麽甜的，慢慢放入嘴巴裡面會慢慢融化。

我們就把這種心態轉換去跟孩子的相處裡，也就是說在日常生活裡，除了他的不合作、發脾氣或鬧情緒外，細心地觀察一下他，去觀察他有沒有其他爸媽是留意不到的東西。在靜觀教養小組裡有媽媽就分享，她留意到除了對兒子不聽她説話時感到生氣外，有些時候很願意去幫她拿一些很重的物件或食物，她覺得兒子是疼愛自己的。

甚至乎有些媽媽會提及兒子平常對聲音可能有些敏感，不過新年搶生菜環節，他很努力地搶生菜回來給媽媽，因為他很想媽媽健康平安。媽媽感受到孩子是很疼愛自己的，媽媽從而在日常生活中，留意多點孩子有甚麼做得好的或者合作的時間。例如當你叫了十次叫他不做功課 ，他有一次願意做功課或者有一次願意默書，媽媽都會很欣賞地告訴孩子：「你今天真是很用心，媽媽很欣賞你。」久而久之，孩子也會感受到自己可以做好，而媽媽也不是那麼煩人，也不是只看重我不好的地方，她懂得欣賞我好的地方，他亦會慢慢改善其行為。

我們在臨床裡都看到親子互動關係中，當父母能夠感受到日常生活細微的地方，孩子有甚麼是願意付出？願意去愛惜父母？或者他有甚麼細微的行為做得好的時候，其實很能幫助兩個人的互動和親子關係，而小朋友自己也感受正面一點，他們的信心也會好一點。